Beoming the Beloved

An exerpt from my journal:

Tuesday, 6-October, 2009
Cantabrigia, 1:24 PM

I sit in this magical place, by the DeWolfe footbridge, on the banks of the Charles, in the warm embrace of a huge oak tree which is sending me love from Mother Earth, Godess Gaia herself. Her roots firmly planted here; my roots firmly planted here as well - in this magical land of Cantabrigia.

I have spent the morning flooding my brain with powerful, positive energy - Deepak, Osho, Shazzie - and now feel reconnected to all the beauty and loveliness both within and without my body. This is a marvelous moment; I am right here in each and every second - fully conscious, fully aware - FULLY- feeling fully alive. So often I do not experience this lately. It is the thing that I need always.

I have decided I must find another way to sustain myself. A way that reinforces the beauty and essence of me; the life force running through my veins and without of my physical body; from the earth, Godess Gaia - through all her wisdom, wonder and magic; up through the sky, across the sun and the stars and throughout the universe; the sustainance and nourishment of humanity and of every sentient being - I feel this very same life force coursing through my veins, now inspiring me to go on.

I feel this so strongly and so surely as I sit here today, in Mother Nature's womb - this big, old oak tree.

I have watched myself in these last few months, the waves of emotions and low vibrations wash over me, and have noted my response to these. My involvement with B. has become a very interesting learning tool for me - it brings up such a variety of these experiences in me, from foolish and fool hardy infatuation and delusion to disappointment, anger, sadness and sometimes, even grief. I watch these arise. I typically react immediately without thought, and only later see the reaction for what it is. Rather than taking more of a stoic or meditative approach to these low vibrations: puffy white clouds, dark ominous gray clouds floating slowly across my bright blue skies and sunshine, why do I so often take a finite and fatalistic approach to all of these temporary things? As I see more clearly as the clouds move along, I reconnect to my blue sky; all else falls away.

I have come to realize that I truly do love B., in a very pure and genuine way. It is beautiful and illuminated, when I am not deceived by low vibrational passing clouds. I love who he is! What a glorious experience!

I have come to realize too, that I very much love myself as well. I love this curiousity left over from childhood. I love my innocence and my vulnerability. I love my niavity. I love my creative genious and my intellectual genious. I love my body, that has served me so well; my beautiful face with all its crinkles and flaws. I love my gentle, compassionate and kind approach to life! I love my endless hopefulness and my boundless enthusiasm. I love myself and value who I am so very much. I will be true to myself and honor all that I am: love, joy, beauty, flowing, open - and I will accept nothing less in my life or for myself - only these. All else will simply fall away.

So here, on this day, in this magical land of Cantabrigia, in the womb of this marvelous oak tree, with the Godess Gaia as my witness ... I have become my own beloved.